My struggles with infertility

I normally don’t share personal things. And this post is very personal. So if this isn’t your thing, please just disregard.

Let me start off by saying I am extremely blessed. I have a gorgeous 5 year old son whom I couldn’t be more thankful for… What I have come to realize is that he was my miracle child…… For the last 2 1/2 years, I have struggled with infertility. I was very surprised because I got pregnant with Lucas so easily and had no problems carrying him. When my first miscarriage occurred in October of 2009, I was deeply surprised and heartbroken. Imagine my surprise when I had another miscarriage the following month…. I grieved and grieved and grieved for about a year before we tried again and yes, had another miscarriage.  How cruel. How unfair.

I decided to go to a fertility specialist who diagnosed me with Hyperglycemia. He also saw some polyps and fibroids so decided to go in Laparoscopically to remove them. While in there, he discovered I had a mild-moderate case of endometriosis. I had no symptoms, no pain so was completely shocked at that diagnosis, but felt hopeful because at least there was some reason for my miscarriages, my heart ache.

On Friday, June 10th, they informed me I was pregnant. I was thrilled. I was taking medications daily to help maintain the pregnancy. I was hopeful. Worried, but hopeful. Today, I was informed that I had an ectopic pregnancy. A tubal pregnancy. Really? Of all the things I was worry about, an ectopic pregnancy never once crossed my mind.  So now, I sit and wait for nature to take its course yet again. To know that there is something inside me now and any moment, it will be gone. UPDATE: It was NOT ectopic! It was a strange case. No answers. More questions.  But did result in a D&C.

I am heart broken. I am angry. I am bitter. I am empty.  I am lost. I just am….

Am I ungrateful for what God did bless me with? NO! I thank God everyday for our miracle. But there is still an emptiness I long to fill.    And now, my heart breaks again for another baby that will not survive. I love my son and am thankful for the miracle that God did bless us with, but continue to question why this is happening to me. This continued loss. The heartache. This failure.  I am a good person. I am a good mom.  I know I am supposed to turn to God and ask for peace and understanding… But I am just so angry. Confused. God says he will not put anything in your life you can’t handle, but seriously.. I can’t handle much more. I can’t understand why this is happening. You have all these people out there, unfit, who can pop out babies left and right and then there is me. Am I perfect? Of course not. But I am a good person.  A good mother. Who longs for an addition to our family. Where do I go from here I just do not know.

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  1. Praying for you, Laurel…

  2. I agree with you about so many having babies who shouldn’t, and those who are awesome parents struggle to have more babies.

    My heart is breaking for you Laurel!

    BIG HUG!!!

  3. 🙁 My heart goes out to you. My husband and I have yet to get pregnant, we are just starting out on the infertility train. Thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  4. Understand your anger and disappointment. I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you. Sometimes we just can’t see the plan of God. I went through the something similar-the infertility part. Sending virtual hug….

  5. MaryLou Farris says:

    Oh Laurel I am so sad, but so proud of you for being able to put this out there for many of your family and friends to pray for you and to be there for you. I know you do keep your life personal and it’s hard for you to share sometimes, but sometimes we need to ask help from others and i’m so glad that you did that. As you know I to struggled with this although it was this deep, but losing a child all together is still hard on anyone being a mother or a father. You are such a strong, loving, and wonderful person and I do believe God is going to bless you in many ways as it is hard for us to understand why God lets us go through these things at the time they are happening down the road there will be an answer or a reason i’m sure of it. I will be praying for you girl and you know i’m always right down the street you can always come talk to me anytime. 🙂

    Much Love! MaryLou

  6. Barbara says:

    Laurel, I am SO sorry you’re having to go through all this. If there is anything I can do, let me know. I will pray that you can find some peace. My offer to bring you dinner still stands when you want it.

    Much love to you,

  7. hi laurel. my thoughts, my prayers, and my heartache go out to you. we can’t provide any answers, we can only be there for you, and try to support you in any way possible.

    my best friend has been struggling with infertility for 5 years. during that struggle, she was diagnosed with cancer. so on top of all of the heartbreak, anger and sadness she was already feeling, she had to deal with this now too. the good news is, she beat the cancer, and has been cancer free for 2 years.

    the bad news is, not only were her issues severe before the cancer, the doctors are now telling her that the chemo may have destroyed 98% of her eggs. she’s 29. she’s been seeing a specialist, but was told she has a .8% of getting pregnant. all she has ever wanted was to be a mom, and i am sure she is feeling everything you are right now too. she’s angry at God and the world, but in her words, how can she ‘ask for two miracles?’ which only makes her more bitter and less thankful for beating the cancer. she survived cancer, and people are telling her to move on, but how can you move on from the idea of being a parent. it’s not like a career change.

    anyway, i just want you to know that i feel for you. and like i do everyday for my best friend, i’ll pray and beg for answers and miracles for you too.

    i wish i could do more.

  8. Like you have said to me many times, there are no words that will bring comfort. There is no one thing that will bring you that peace. There is nothing. . . We are heartbroken with you, Laurel. Love and prayers for you now and always my friend. You are loved and cherished by many.
    Mary (and Family)

  9. Debbie W says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. karen q says:

    My heart hurts for you. My first ever pregnancy was ectopic, I had never even heard of it before. I will tell you that I did get pregnant after that one and everything was fine. I am so sorry that you are having to go through such heartache. I am sorry that there aren’t any words or actions that will comfort you. I just hope over time your heartache will lessen and your dreams will come true.

  11. Laurel, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. I’ll keep praying for you because you are a fabulous person and you deserve an addition to your family! I had a similar struggle with God when I had cancer, because I couldn’t understand it either. Sometimes it’s really tough and nothing but time can make you feel better…. hugs and prayers and I’m thinking of you! <3

  12. Sending prayers your way girl!

  13. Sending so much love your way

  14. I’m thinking of you, friend! I know it’s hard to stay positive during times like these, but you are a strong woman and you ARE indeed a wonderful person and an AMAZING mother. We all know you deserve to get what you want. I really wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
    I hope things will work out in your best interest.
    Sending lots and LOTS of hugs your way!!!

  15. yainea says:

    I’m so sorry Laurel, this is very unfair…
    I have a friend who loves children but she couldn’t have a baby… Now she have a beautiful little girl, she got pregnant when nobody expected anything, after years trying it.
    Don’t loose your hope, never.
    I can’t imagine how hard is all this, but you have a wonderful family who will support you for sure and you have us too, people from all the world who share your everyday and who loves you, beacuse yes, you are a good person 🙂
    Strong and sincere hugs from Spain (and sorry for my english!!)

  16. Hi Laurel thank you for sharing this. I know it will help a lot of people. I feel for you. i am so sorry about your problems with infertility. And especially that your pregnancy is ectopic. I wish I could give you a hug and comfort you. :>

  17. Hey just me. Thinking of you.

  18. Sending you many prayers Laurel. Every struggle is for a reason, but it so hard to remember that when you are in the thick of it. Keep up your hope and your beautiful smile and always remember the blessings God has given you. HUGS! – Chari

  19. Bonnie Ditto says:

    As I was reading your post, my heart was aching. This may be hard to understand but, God does have a plan for you…and for you to have to go through such trials, it will be spectacular. There are lots of people praying for you and God does listen. Your prayers will be answered. It may not be the answer you will expect but, it will be amazing and all you are going through will be worth it all. Just keep loving on your husband and son and God. He will not give up on you. Keep us posted.

  20. Oh Laurel you brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry. I won’t give a long drawn out speech I can tell you when you think you can’t take anymore you can. You are a strong, beautiful child of God and he will carry you. Sending love, prayers and really big hugs your way!

  21. Hugs and prayers and so much love going out to you, sweet Laurel! I knew you had some health issue but I had NO idea the heartbreak you were going through. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk. I haven’t ever been where you are but I’m empathetic. Sweet Laurel, I wish there was more I could do for you!

  22. Aw Laurel. My heart and prayers are with you right. now. One of my besties has been going through the same thing – it’s so hard. Their daughter is also 5. I just wanted to tell you that I’m thinking of you and that your feelings are 100% normal and ok! Don’t feel bad for being angry. Feel girl, just feel and keep praying. God is with you even in the darkest of the dark. You’re a strong, amazing woman. I believe with my whole heart that God has a plan for all of us – and I know that you do too. Take heart my friend. {{{{HUGS}}}} coming your way!

  23. Oh Laurel, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through all of this the past couple of years. I can’t even imagine how hard this has all been on you. I wish there was something I could say or do to help, but I know there’s not. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you. You’re a wonderful mom and person and deserve the very best. Thank you for sharing your struggles and heartache with us. If you ever need to talk or need anything at all, please let me know. Hugs. 🙂

  24. Laurel, sending you big hugs and really really feel for you. Know you are not alone and take comfort in your friends, family and your little miracle! I am also struggling with getting pregnant (first time) and I have a sense of the emotional turmoil it can bring. I feel for you and I’m sending good thoughts your way. I hope you find some peace & happiness soon. Lots of love.

  25. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you! Please let us know if there’s anything we can do… ANYTHING!

  26. Oh Laurel, sending you sweet hugs! I understand perfectly how you feel. Praying for you my friend!

  27. What courage you have to share your thoughts here. As you know from our previous conversations – I know that the journey through infertility is difficult. I also know that it IS a journey THROUGH infertility. Whether your journey ends with a baby conceived within you or with one conceived in your heart – God has a plan, and it certainly is not for you to remain in this place of hopelessness and confusion. I remember not too long ago watching a youtube video of “Cardboard Testimonies” (if you haven’t ever seen it get a tissue…then watch) Noah, my sweet son, was watching over my shoulder and asked, “Mom, what would my sign say” It was only then that I realized just how big God’s plan really is. You see – for the last 9 years I had been certain that God gave me Emma and Noah through the miracle of adoption for ME – to show ME His love. And while that is true, our God is so bug..that was only a little piece of the plan. Because as I looked at that video that day, my eyes filled with tears and I said your sign would say, “Abandoned and orphaned in a Muslim Country” and I asked Noah what would it say when he flipped it over, “Adopted and loved in a Christian home” God has a plan Laurel. When I was in despair after years of infertility I read, over and over, Psalm 37:4. Praying for your peace. Give sweet Lucas a hug from me! – Amy

    1. oops our God is so BIG (not bug)….. 🙂

  28. Barb Ghigliotty says:

    Hi Laurel,
    I am so sorry for all of your problems with fertility! I will keep you in my prayers…hang in there, sweetie!
    Barb G.

  29. My best friend went through this and I still don’t know what to say. You and your family are in my thoughts.

  30. Terryl Speer says:

    Dearest Laurel,

    I know G-D has amaybe, maybe there is a child out there now looking for a wonderful, loving and wanting mother such as yourself. I know this doesn’t change the pain and loss you are feeling at this time. I can’t even pretend to know what or how you feel. I can however let you know you have touched so many people’s lives with your love, kindness and beautiful heart. I have known you for many, many years and want you to know you can call me I am here to support you however I can. I am here for you in whatever way you need me. Terryl

  31. I’m so very, very sorry, Laurel. I know that what you’re going through must be so unbelievably difficult. My heart aches for you, breaks for you. There are some things in life that no matter how hard I try, I just cannot understand. This is one of those things. Why some mothers, like one in my town recently who starved her 18 month old baby girl to death and then stuffed her body in a suitcase and left it out on the curb for the garbage man to collect — why a monster like her can have a child, and someone as beautiful, and kind, and tenderhearted, and compassionate, and faithful as you cannot. It just baffles me. It makes me angry, too. All I can say is that I love you and I wish that there was something I could do for you. I’m here if you need me. I’m thinking of you and praying for you and hoping for a miracle for you. Huge hugs to you my friend. And thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

  32. I don’t ever post here, but I just wanted to let you know that I think it is courageous for you to share your heartache with the world. (I have tears in my eyes as I write this, as it just breaks my heart.) Sometimes I think that sharing your troubles with the great big world of the internet, helps you know that you’ve put it out there – that someone has heard your struggles. And it does something to help us heal.

    There are no words that can salve your wounds. Only God can do that. And often, it doesn’t happen when we want it to. I have found that I only understand His ways through hindsight.

    I want to tell you though, that is it IS OKAY to be mad at God. You could curse His name and He would still love you just the same! He loves you no matter what!
    Hugs and prayers to you. I know God will bring you through this struggle and that He will show you His mercies along the way.
    Lots of Love,

  33. Oh sweet girl. I don’t have the perfect words to say — there probably aren’t any — but I know you’re a strong woman, a tremendous mother, and a phenomenal human being who deserves every happiness in this world. You’re tough enough & smart enough to handle life’s setbacks with grace and let them make you wiser in the end, even if the journey itself isn’t pretty. Sending love & strength to you all the way from Texas. <3

  34. Oh, Laurel, I am so sorry! Big Hugs! Wish I could do something to help comfort you.

  35. Laurel, I don’t know what to say. I am so very sorry for your heartache. {hugs} 3

  36. I am so sorry to hear you lost another baby. My heart goes out to you. If there is anything I can to do help you through this please let me know. You will be in my thoughts.

  37. i had no idea you were goijng through this….sending huge hugs your way.
    my sister & BIL had problems conceiving and went through a round of IVF that resulted in a miscarriage before the 1st trimester. they went through the same thing for a second round and now, i have a sweet little neice who will be 1 in october.
    stay hopeful and positive! thank you for sharing something so personal & private.

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