I normally don’t share personal things. And this post is very personal. So if this isn’t your thing, please just disregard.
Let me start off by saying I am extremely blessed. I have a gorgeous 5 year old son whom I couldn’t be more thankful for… What I have come to realize is that he was my miracle child…… For the last 2 1/2 years, I have struggled with infertility. I was very surprised because I got pregnant with Lucas so easily and had no problems carrying him. When my first miscarriage occurred in October of 2009, I was deeply surprised and heartbroken. Imagine my surprise when I had another miscarriage the following month…. I grieved and grieved and grieved for about a year before we tried again and yes, had another miscarriage. How cruel. How unfair.
I decided to go to a fertility specialist who diagnosed me with Hyperglycemia. He also saw some polyps and fibroids so decided to go in Laparoscopically to remove them. While in there, he discovered I had a mild-moderate case of endometriosis. I had no symptoms, no pain so was completely shocked at that diagnosis, but felt hopeful because at least there was some reason for my miscarriages, my heart ache.
On Friday, June 10th, they informed me I was pregnant. I was thrilled. I was taking medications daily to help maintain the pregnancy. I was hopeful. Worried, but hopeful. Today, I was informed that I had an ectopic pregnancy. A tubal pregnancy. Really? Of all the things I was worry about, an ectopic pregnancy never once crossed my mind. So now, I sit and wait for nature to take its course yet again. To know that there is something inside me now and any moment, it will be gone. UPDATE: It was NOT ectopic! It was a strange case. No answers. More questions. But did result in a D&C.
I am heart broken. I am angry. I am bitter. I am empty. I am lost. I just am….
Am I ungrateful for what God did bless me with? NO! I thank God everyday for our miracle. But there is still an emptiness I long to fill. And now, my heart breaks again for another baby that will not survive. I love my son and am thankful for the miracle that God did bless us with, but continue to question why this is happening to me. This continued loss. The heartache. This failure. I am a good person. I am a good mom. I know I am supposed to turn to God and ask for peace and understanding… But I am just so angry. Confused. God says he will not put anything in your life you can’t handle, but seriously.. I can’t handle much more. I can’t understand why this is happening. You have all these people out there, unfit, who can pop out babies left and right and then there is me. Am I perfect? Of course not. But I am a good person. A good mother. Who longs for an addition to our family. Where do I go from here I just do not know.